


in geoffrey's name, amen

by spock



Category: Strangers With Candy
Genre: (If that love is Geoffrey's love for himself), Awful People Being Awful, Blasphemy, Canon Typical Everything, Clones, Codependency, Cults, Dark Character, Human Sacrifice, Loyalty, M/M, Morality Tales, Non-Graphic Original Character Death(s), Non-Sexual Slavery, True Love Conquers All
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-30
Updated: 2018-10-30
Packaged: 2019-08-09 10:58:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16448609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spock/pseuds/spock
Summary: It's Geoffrey's world and we're just living in it.





	in geoffrey's name, amen

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Tish](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tish/gifts).



Geoffrey hadn’t wanted to miss the delivery man, so he made sure to have the package shipped to the school. It arrived just before the end of final period, dropped off by a hunky courier in the tiniest brown shorts who came all the way to the art room to collect Geoffrey’s signature.

“Well done, me,” he said to himself. To the rest, “Class, work on your nude portraits. Don’t be shy, and make sure you don’t skimp out on the clay when it comes to shaping my ass!”

It took a crowbar to open the crate in the end; it was lucky that Joe had forgotten to take his out of his backpack after the carjacking spree he'd gone on the night before. Geoffrey fished through the packing straw until his fingers brushed a tiny, shriveled up finger.

“My monkey’s paw!” He held it aloft, looking at it in the light. The catalog had said it was to be freshly harvested the moment Geoffrey phoned in his order. “Finally, I can finish this Big Foot replica I’ve been working on. Wait, hold on a second —” He used his free hand to reach back inside the box, continuing to feel around. All he got for his trouble was a piece of paper that had shifted down to the bottom. “What the hell, I ordered two of these! I’m going to leave a bad review.”

He skimmed the note. Blah blah monkey paw, blah blah wishes, blah blah three toddlers had died trying to de-hand the monkey, and if he wanted to donate to the charity for their parents — Geoffrey threw the note in the trash. Everybody always wanted a handout. If the kids wanted their parents taken care of, they should have died after getting him his second paw, not the first.

The bell rang and Geoffrey rushed to grab his bag and head for the door. “Alright everyone,” Geoffrey called behind himself. “Make sure you clean up and put everything away! The janitor isn’t your slave. Last one out has to lock up, just return my keys back to me in the morning before first bell. Later, suckers!”

He ran into Chuck in the hallway, clearly having just fled his own classroom. “What in God’s green earth is that?” He asked, nodding at Geoffrey’s paw.

Geoffrey knew Chuck would make fun of him for getting scammed out of the second paw, and so he decided to play coy. “Wouldn’t I like to know?”

Chuck’s face grew angry — and aroused. Geoffrey let a grin settle across his face. An angry Chuck was a horny Chuck was a happy Geoffrey, which just so happened to be his very most favorite thing in the world.

“I’ll see you this weekend, right?” Geoffrey asked. They’d probably meet up before then, in the bathroom off Exit 35 sometime in the middle of the week just to get their fix.

“You bet your sweet ass you will,” Chuck told him.

Geoffrey had left the building and walked to his car with a spring in his step. He almost had completely forgotten about the paw until later that evening, when it fell out of his school bag. Geoffrey sighed at the sight of it. The day had been a bit of a letdown, but the dildo he’d cast from his own dick should be finished settling and would ensure he ended on a high note, at least.

“I wish everyone would just do what I say. Is that so much to ask?”

He dropped the stupid thing onto his kitchen table and headed into his bedroom to turn in for the night.

❶

Geoffrey awoke in a palace.

“Huh,” he said, and then got out of bed.

Servants hurried through the hallways, bowing to him as they passed. A few of them dropped to the floor and crawled to his feet, pressing kisses to the top of them. Geoffrey left them to it. He did have beautiful, perfect feet, after all.

When he reached the living room, he couldn’t find the remote. “Hey,” he whined, and then flagged down a passing servant. “You there, how am I supposed to turn this thing on?” he asked, pointing to the rather massive television mounted to his wall that certainly hadn’t been there yesterday.

The man all but fell over himself to obey. He, like most of the servants, had nothing on but the tiniest pair of shorts. It wasn’t a hardship for Geoffrey to watch him twitch around.

The television blinked to life, showing Geoffrey’s favorite morning news program.

“Good morning,” said the anchor. “Welcome to Geoffrey’s Favorite Morning News Program. His eminence has awoken, so we will get started today. It’s October 31st on this, the Year of our Lord Geoffrey, 37. Praise be to his glory,” he finished, his final words repeated by those off camera in the studio.

Geoffrey zoned out. Something weird was going on here. It was no less than he deserved, sure, but still: weird.

“Explain,” Geoffrey asked the same servant who had turned on the television. The man seemed to be at a loss and started to cry. “Well, you’re worthless.” If at all possible, the man became more hysteric. He ran to the window and jumped out of it.

“Well that was dramatic.”

Geoffrey went back to his room and got dressed for work, another one of those hunky servants having come in to bring him his school bag and a jacket for the day. Geoffrey opened it up to make sure none of these low-life manual laborers had stolen anything.

Everything was right where it should be, including the paw.

“Which car would you like to take, Lord?” The servant asked, still hovering at Geoffrey’s side. “Or would you like to be driven into work today.”

Dear Himself but were these people needy. Did Geoffrey have to think of everything around here?

“I wish Chuck were here. He knows what I want and need, unlike you goody-two-shoe idiots! You haven’t even got any shoes on,” Geoffrey spat at the man’s face in disgust. “Of course I want to be driven in, do I look like some loser who has to drive himself? Me-sus Christ!”

❷

Chuck was waiting beside a parking space that had a big plaque declaring it was reserved for Geoffrey. After one of the servants opened the door for him and Geoffrey exited the car, Chuck pulled him into his arms and kissed Geoffrey right there for anyone to see.

“I’m your favorite, right, Lord?” Chuck asked, once they’d pulled apart for air.

Geoffrey had no idea what brought this on, but he certainly liked it. “Of course — well, after myself, of course. But you’re right up there, Chuck! Right near the top.”

Another Chuck was waiting for them at the doors to the school, holding it open for Geoffrey. “Chuck, you never told me you had a twin!”

“I don’t,” Chuck said, and he took Geoffrey’s hand in a vice grip. When the other Chuck tried to lean in to kiss Geoffrey, Chuck stabbed him in the neck with a buck knife.

Geoffrey jumped out of the way as if he himself had been stabbed. “Chuck!” he exclaimed. “You almost got blood on my cute new sweater!”

The murderous expression that had taken over Chuck’s face as he rid the world of his doppelgänger melted away the moment he looked back to Geoffrey. “I’m sorry, my love.”

Geoffrey could never stay mad at that face for long. “Just be more careful next time,” he said, and sealed it with a kiss to the corner of Chuck’s lips, which left the other man grinning.

Yet another Chuck was waiting for them at the door to the art room, looking anxious. He sent a lovelorn look to Geoffrey, and then turned a killers gaze towards Chuck. “You better watch your back, bitch,” he said.

“Just fucking try something, I dare you,” Chuck told him.

Geoffrey didn’t want to risk another stain. There were only so many times you could play with fate like this, and he really did love this new sweater. “Boys, boys,” he said, inserting himself between them, even though it made Chuck tense up. “There’s more than enough of me to go around. I’ve never met a Chuck I didn’t like.”

“But,” Chuck said. Geoffrey cut him off.

“Are you telling me no?” he asked. “Because I bet I can find a Chuck who knows better than that.”

Chuck’s lips disappeared into a thin line and kept quiet.

“Much better,” Geoffrey said, and then he stepped forward towards the other Chuck. Geoffrey kissed him, and it was good, but he was no Original Chuck.

Geoffrey turned back to him and saw the anger on his face. He crooked a finger, beckoning Chuck closer and closer until Geoffrey was sandwiched between Chuck at his back and the other Chuck at his front.

“I love this,” Geoffrey said. Chuck ground his dick into Geoffrey’s ass, and even through two layers of slacks, it was enough to make Geoffrey’s mind go fuzzy.

With a sigh, Geoffrey started to say, “I wish —” but then a great plume of white smoke came out of nowhere.

He felt the Chuck at his front tense up, shouting, “Get back,” as he moved to stand in front of Geoffrey. Chuck wrapped his arms around Geoffrey’s waist and positioned them so that his back was to the hallway, Geoffrey half inside the classroom, safe from any possible attack.

When the smoke cleared there stood a bald man with dark skin and a big bushy white beard in a white robe. “It is I,” the man said, “The Lord God!”

“Heretic!” The other Chuck screamed, and launched himself at the false god.

The man yanked a gun out of his robes and shot him dead.

“Hey,” Geoffrey whined, “I hadn’t even gotten to fuck him yet! Chucks may grow on trees around here, but they’re still mine.”

“Sorry,” the man said, though he sounded anything but. “Geoffrey—”

“That’s His Holiness the One True God to you, you blasphemer,” Chuck growled.

“This is not how things are supposed to work,” the man continued. “You are supposed to learn a lesson and that just isn’t happening. You have to wish everything back to normal.”

Geoffrey was the God here. He wasn’t about to be told what to do by some loser in a dress. He yanked himself free from Chuck’s hold and marched up to the man. He shoved him and demanded, “Yeah, says who?”

The man’s beard flew off his face and landed on the floor. Without it, he looked nearly identical to Principal Blackman. “Uh,” the man said, and he hurried to fish his beard off the floor and reconnect it to his face. “Not cool, man, I’m going through chemotherapy. My beard fell out months ago.”

Geoffrey gasped. How horrible! “What if I had cancer?” Geoffrey asked.

The students who had been trying to avoid their fight cried out in anguish. Even the man did, as if he thought it was a horrible thing too. Above all the noise they made, Chuck’s voice carried. It sounded like the very thought pained him to no end, and Geoffrey had to turn around to make sure another Chuck hadn’t snuck up during the distraction and tried to assassinate Chuck.

It seemed like the old God did love Geoffrey, which certainly was something. And even though Chuck couldn’t be with Geoffrey all the time, to wait and satisfy on Geoffrey’s every want and need, he was still usually around a lot, and did a lot of that stuff anyway. Maybe, just maybe, Geoffrey’s life was great even without the paw.

“How about you ditch that Jesus loser, and any other prophets that may be skulking around, and let me reign supreme in heaven once all this is over, huh? What’d’ya say, God?”

God stroked at his beard a few times, visibly anxious, but then his shoulders hunched. “It’s a deal.”

“Alright then,” Geoffrey said, after a moment of deliberation. “I guess I wish everything was back to normal. Oh, and for Chuck’s wife and kid to bite it.”

“Wow,” Jerri said, tears welling up in her eyes. “How selfless. We didn’t deserve him.”

“You really didn’t,” Geoffrey agreed.

❸

Geoffrey was sitting on the sinks in their favorite bathroom just off Exit 35, waiting for Chuck to arrive so that they could fuck their brains out. He’d brought the dildo cast of his own dick with him; he was still smarting a bit over his lost double-penetration opportunity with all those extra Chucks, but the only thing better than Chuck’s dick was Geoffrey’s own, and now he had an extra to make his sex dreams come true.

“Well,” Geoffrey said, speaking to no one in particular. He was there to listen, and that was the only audience that mattered. “Maybe sometimes there really is too much of a good thing. I’ve got the love of best guy in the world — me! — and of the second-best guy, who’s red-lining it straight here to pound the living daylights out of me, even if he has to run a family off the road to do it. My only real mistake was not using that first wish to kill God. You gotta get a bitch before a bitch gets you! That just might be the most important lesson of them all.”


End file.
